I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
