im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
