im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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