My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
