I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
