I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
