I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
