Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
That accounts for only three of the penises
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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