I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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