He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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