you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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