She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
