a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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