i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
