a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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