I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Operation Purity has been aborted
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
