I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
