i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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