Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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