fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
