I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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