I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
