Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
My dick has a subreddit
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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