if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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