I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
