Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
