OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
