Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
