Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
