i think my tv is drunk
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
