we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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