"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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