I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
