If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Randomize
