We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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