This is not my ceiling
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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