my phone needs a breathalizer
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Randomize
