talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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