ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
