I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
