oh god the rape fog is back!
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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