I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
The air was thick with penises
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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