I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
