I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
