If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
