Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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