Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
