There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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