I don't usually arrange sex via text message
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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