I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
