Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
