If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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