grandma shit on top of the toilet
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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