Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Randomize
