i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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