No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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