I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
