Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
