im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
