Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
