Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
