You just made me feel so damn special
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
